Joseph Reader
Even entertainment can convey subtle messages. Dr. David Walsh, author of Selling Out America’s Children: How America Puts Profits before Values and What Parents Can Do, has identified six key values that dominate the mass media: 1. Happiness is found in having things. 2. Get all you can for yourself. 3. Get it all as quickly as you can. 4. Win at all costs. 5. Violence is entertaining. 6. Always seek pleasure and avoid boredom. The media’s emphasis on materialism and entertainment shouldn’t be surprising, of course. As much as 90 percent of our media content is ultimately owned by a handful of giant transnational corporations, including Time Warner, News Corp., Disney, Viacom, Vivendi, Bertlesmann, and Sony. Veteran media critic George Gerbner notes that, for the first time in human history, most of the stories about people, life, and values are told not by parents, schools, churches, and others in the community who have something to tell, but by a group of distant conglomerates that have little to tell and everything to sell. As a result, our 21st-century media is mainly supplied by a small number of large corporations whose primary concern is not our society’s health or our children’s well-being, but to maximize profits. In an interview with Zenit, a Catholic news service, screenwriter Clare Sera was asked how we are influenced by Hollywood without even realizing it. She replied: In every way. Every movie, each TV show leaves its influence — but we have great power over how we allow that to influence our hearts. Ms. Sera goes on to explain how important it is to discuss the underlying messages of a movie after you’ve watched it, especially with your children. Movies are good opportunities to bring up topics you might not think about around the dinner table. It’s a great way to open conversations with your kids about why you think such and such a movie has a bleak message, or a great message, and ask them what they think. And not just in movies. Parents have an opportunity at every turn to explain, “This is what Christ calls us to,” and “This is how the culture differs from Christ’s call.” And to show the difference between what looks pretty and what is truly beautiful—between immediate gratification and depth of soul. Between Britney Spears and Mother Teresa. In the end, the best protection against media bias and its effects is to be on guard about what we expose ourselves to, and limit its intake. Turning on the TV, or uncritically absorbing mass publications every day—these activities allow access to our minds by anyone who has an agenda, anyone with the resources to influence you via popular media. Your mind is worth guarding, and it’s worth your while to limit access to it. As the old saying goes, if you keep your mind too open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.
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Linda Kavelin Popov with Dan Popov, Ph.D., and John Kavelin, book excerpt What kids are Like an acorn, which has within it the capacity to become a towering oak, a child has great potential. All children are born with all the virtues, the gifts within, waiting to grow. You may have noticed sometime or other a plant sprouting up through the concrete of a city street. The urge for growth is one of the strongest needs of any living thing. What a child becomes is a result of four things: nature, nurturance, opportunity, and effort.Nature is a child’s natural giftedness or virtues “profile.” Although each child has all the virtues within them in potential to one degree or another, the potential for the development of certain virtues is greater in a particular child, just as a rose has different attributes than a chrysanthemum. Nurturance is how a child is educated, how his gifts are recognized and supported, the difference between watering a plant and letting it wilt. The opportunities children have to act on their virtues give them the possibility to become who they are. A great musician of world-class creativity without an instrument may never learn of the special music she has within her. Effort is a child’s responsibility, his ability to respond to the opportunities to practice the virtues. Ultimately it is the choice of a child to act on her own potential. It is said that God provides nature and a parent provides nurture. The child himself must choose to respond to the opportunities in his life. Choice is at the core of moral will. We have such a short but critical time in which to have a fundamental impact on the development of the character of our children, which is the greatest asset for their happiness. Much of their character development is complete by the time they turn seven. What kids are not We are used to thinking of children as psychological beings who need good physical care and also affection, respect, and a healthy balance between dependence and independence. The idea of a parent as a spiritual educator builds on yet goes beyond the notion of the child as a psychological being. The book offers a frame of reference in which a child’s need for character education is primary. A parent, as spiritual mentor, focuses first of all on facilitating the child’s moral readiness. In order to make the shift from caretaker to educator, it is helpful to let go of notions about children which are not true to their spiritual nature. Your child is not born a blank slate upon which you will write. There is no such thing as a generic baby. True, a child’s personality and character are not fully formed. But they are “in there.” Just as an oak is in an acorn—not a spruce or a palm but an oak—each child is born with a special bundle of potential. In that bundle are three things:
Spiritual parenting involves a focus on a child’s gifts and possibilities, a readiness to support them to develop all they can be—to give life their best effort. A child is not a prince(ss) which parents warp into a frog. This is a modern notion which implies that if we left them to their own devices, children would be pure, undefiled, whole, and perfect. It contends that we are the ones who mess them up and “dethrone” them. This is a half truth. Parents do have enormous influence on children and can shape the script a child carries through life. But it is also true that left to their own devices, children are likely to take the path of least resistance, resorting to survival instincts, the animal side of their nature as material/spiritual beings. It is easier to develop the lower side of their nature, which doesn’t require them to engage their will. So children very much need a guiding hand to lead them. They are not inherently “pure.” They have the potential for both goodness and for destructiveness. Every quality they possess, every virtue, can be directed or misdirected. That’s why your role is so vital to their success. There are many virtues that thrive only under conditions of challenge. How can one learn patience without having to wait? How would a child ever develop determination if life did not provide frustrations? How could we learn forgiveness without being hurt? If we don’t use our virtues, we lose them, just like muscle tone in the physical body. Protecting children from their challenges is running interference with the Creator. As moral champions, our children deserve more respect. Some of the best parents have children who make very bad choices or are born with a particularly difficult temperament. How you parent is your responsibility, how they turn out is a complex and mysterious process, with many influences other than yours. The opposititis trap We often unconsciously project onto our children the unmet needs we had as children. If something in our childhood caused us pain—usually a lack of love—we tend to go one of two ways. Either we unconsciously repeat our parents’ behavior with our own children, or we go to the opposite extreme. We are far more aware of wanting to correct the sins of our parents when they emerge in our behavior than to catch the more insidious habit of opposititis. For example, if our parents were very judgmental and made their affection conditional on our performance, we want to give unconditional love to our children. What that may look like, unfortunately, is giving them carte blanche acceptance no matter what they do, whether they are being rude or courteous, kind or cruel. In doing so, we are ignoring their true needs for mastery and meaning. If our parents tended to be too affectionate and sloppily sentimental, we may hold our children at arm’s length, giving them the respect and space we always craved. Meanwhile, they may be longing for more hugs. The problem is that either way we are “reacting” to our own story rather than truly seeing our children. Our parenting becomes dictated by our needs and experiences rather than what is going on for our children. Rather than consciously treating our children as they need to be treated, we are treating them as we wish we had been treated by our parents. The “chip off the old block” syndrome Seeing a child for who she is, a unique individual, calls for us to detach ourselves from any expectations we may have of what the basic nature or “virtues profile” a child of ours “should” have, especially in the service of our egos. If she seems to be a quiet child who likes to read and has only one or two friends, it is not our place to try to shape her personality into that of an outgoing socialite. If we happen to be shy and have some painful memories of social awkwardness, we may feel the need to push this gentle little soul in a direction that is not hers. Many people spend years feeling they are not enough no matter what they do. The disappointment of a parent is devastating to a child. When our children disappoint us—and they will—it is for one of several reasons. Some of these are:
Of course, we have a desire to pass on what we have learned to our children, but the truth is that they meet life with a fresh perspective. It is far more empowering to focus on the virtue of excellence or purposefulness and then to discover, with great curiosity and openness, how your child will uniquely express these virtues in his life. Excerpted from the book The Family Virtues Guide: Simple Ways to Bring Out the Best in Our Children and Ourselves. Wellspring International Educational Foundation, 1997.
Do you want to channel your child’s unbounded energy and curiosity into positive and rewarding learning experiences? Keys to Toddlers and Preschoolers is a parenting guide with scores of fun, practical learning activities and suggestions to keep your ever on-the-go little one occupied for hours. More importantly, learn how to prepare
your child for life’s challenges and changes, and lay a foundation of faith that will guide and support him or her all through life. Gwendolyn Mitchell Diaz It was a late November afternoon. All four of my little boys were outside, taking turns playing with a radio-controlled car that they had been given several weeks earlier. The car was bright red with large yellow numbers. It could speed up and down the driveway, stop, turn on a dime, “pop a wheelie,” and jump the curb. It was attached to a control panel by a long black cord. Each little boy would run at full speed beside the car when it was his turn to be the “driver.” For hours they played, as happily as could he—until George showed up, bringing along his huge, new, blue remote-controlled vehicle with spiky tires. It was bigger, brighter, faster, and could do many more tricks than the one my children shared. And best of all—it wasn’t attached to the control panel by a wire. It just flew down the driveway all by itself while George sat on a stump, making it spin and spiral with a flick of his fingers or thumb. Suddenly the little, red machine that had occupied so much happy time and attention was not good enough. My four sons each wanted his own Big Blue Bulldog with spiky tires and remote operation, just like George’s. The whining and grumbling grew so great that I felt obligated to intervene. I sent George home and ordered all of my kids into the car. We headed across town—driving away from all the manicured suburban lawns, past the old high school, and beyond anything they recognized from our normal routine trips. Soon we were downtown, driving slowly by abandoned shops and rundown houses where the front steps were falling off the porches and trash filled the street gutters. We spotted some children playing with a stick and some kind of homemade ball in a litter-strewn yard. I stopped, and asked my sons how many of these kids they thought had a Big Blue Bulldog with spiky tires and remote operation. They looked at me like I was nuts. “Do you think they might be happy if they had a little red car with a wire attached to it that could speed up and down the sidewalk, stop, turn on a dime, `pop a wheelie.’ and jump the curb?” I asked. “Or do you think they would pout and complain and act ungrateful?” My kids quickly got the point. Our little trip downtown helped to eradicate their feelings of being disadvantaged—at least for a while. Never again did they gripe about not having the latest remote controlled vehicle. As a matter of fact, that Christmas they decided to give most of their toys away to less fortunate children. There was one family in particular, with four or five children all crammed into a small blue trailer, that one of my children wanted to “adopt.” Matthew begged me over and over to take him back, to deliver more toys—gifts he had just unwrapped. Unfortunately, children tend to have short memories. At least mine do! And experiences like these must be repeated many times in order to train our children in contentment. Contentment is definitely a learned habit. It doesn’t, come naturally. It has to be practiced and reviewed over and over. Trips to the Salvation Army headquarters to help with children’s Christmas parties; serving meals to the homeless who frequent the Talbot House (a local soup kitchen); collecting books for an orphanage; providing baseball equipment for a needy friend. These are just a few of the events that I have used in a process designed to teach my children how fortunate they really are. A discontented child is a child who feels incarcerated—hemmed in by his circumstances. Whether their confinement be physical, “If only I was thinner or smarter or had smaller ears!” or social, “How come I’m never invited to dances at the Country Club?” … or financial, “Why couldn’t my father be a doctor, so I could have nice toys?” We must love our children enough to teach them that it is not the confines of the prison cell that determine the scope of one’s freedom; it’s the condition of the heart. They can be as free as they choose to be, regardless of the situation. It is extremely difficult in our affluent society to get the concept across to our children that money, and the things it can buy, cannot create lasting happiness. It’s hard to convince them that financial freedom has nothing to do with net worth but rather is found in a willingness to be generous with what we have. I’ll never forget the Christmas my children begged for a trampoline. They didn’t just beg—they pleaded and whined and cajoled. Somehow they convinced me that a trampoline would solve all our family problems. I think it was the line that went something like, “lf you buy us a trampoline, we’ll never, ever, ever ask for anything else for the rest of our lives,” that finally converted me. So, I purchased a big blue trampoline and perched it in the backyard. Of course, six weeks later they were begging for a puppy to play with on the trampoline. Undoubtedly, at some point, your child will inform you that he might as well go live in an orphanage, where he can be treated like a decent human being. Yep. This happened several times as well! These are the times when we need to, once again, wrench our children away from their grievances and drag them out of the house and deliver some food to a shut-in or take them to the pediatric unit at the hospital to visit a child with leukemia. Such experiences can afford them the opportunity to encounter a new kind of fulfillment based on inner character rather than outward appearance. It’s the only way they will ever conquer discontentment. If we want our children to learn true contentment, we must allow them to take significant responsibility for the things they desire in life. We need to let them demonstrate a desire to earn them and maintain them. For instance, if a child wants a puppy, he should help pay for it, care for it, buy its food, and take it to the vet. If he wants a car, he should help pay for the gas and be responsible for its upkeep. Or if a child wants to attend college, he must earn that right by applying himself to his studies and getting good grades while he’s in high school. I figure that it goes without saying that if we are not content with the lot God has given us as moms, our children will never be content with theirs. But just in case you’re struggling a little with what God has provided in your life, let me ask a few questions: 1. What person, or persons, who made the headlines today would you really want to trade places with? 2. Compared to all the people who live on the earth today, how wealthy do you think you are? Remember, that includes all the zillions of people living in places like Calcutta and Sao Paulo. 3. Compared to all the people who have ever set foot on this planet, how fortunate are you? Think about the Great Depression and the time of the Bubonic Plague. Do you get the point? Life is a whole lot more golden than we often view it when we forget to look outside our walls. When was the last time you reached outside of your family to help a needy person? Yes, you and I have it pretty good. Our lives need to reflect a joy and contentment that is visible to our children. The way we react to our circumstances is the most important lesson that they can receive in the “contentment training process.” We need to demonstrate satisfaction and display a sense of fulfillment in order to help them develop an understanding of what is truly important. Sharing and giving must be a part of our daily lives as we demonstrate contentment for our children. Most of us have far more than enough to live on, and it certainly wouldn’t hurt us to give away some of the edges of our abundance. These edges don’t always have to be monetary. We can and should give freely of our talents and abilities and time. We do this when we help a neighbor move, or mow a lawn without expecting compensation, or prepare a meal for a new mom. A child who has successfully learned to be content, regardless of the circumstances, will be a relaxed child with an ability and freedom to enjoy the important things in life. That child will have a tremendous capacity to help others find pleasure as well. * * * § Are my children appreciative of the things that they have, or are they constantly wanting more? § When was the last time my child had to take responsibility or work for something he or she wanted? § Whom can we, as a family, reach out to and share the wealth that God has given us? A Mother’s Prayer God, teach me to understand how truly wealthy I am. Help me to convey a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment to my children, and may we together experience the freedom that comes from being content. Help us to reach beyond our own lives to share with others what You have so generously shared with us. Give me a contented heart, dear God, one that is worthy of my children’s imitation. Excerpt from Mighty Mom’s Secrets for Raising Super Kids: Guidelines for the Adventure Called Parenting, by Gwendolyn Mitchell Diaz, RiverOak Publishing (September 2001)
Treasure Attic is an exciting video series for children from 2 to 8 years of age. Full of fun and adventure, this series teaches children universal moral principles and values through story and song. Each half hour episode of Treasure Attic features its fun and personable host, Uncle Jim, his loveable sheepdog, Peepers, the energetic, word-defining Bunny Big Bigword and many other friendly animal puppets! Treasure Attic focuses on skills children need most:
Another plus is that each DVD includes three languages (English, Spanish and Portuguese), making these videos a good teaching tools for children who are learning a second language. Treasure Attic is recommended by the DOVE foundation as being a family friendly video series. These videos have been seen on stations around the world, have sold over 500,000 copies to date and have a dedicated following of happy viewers. You can view portions of these videos here or buy the DVDs online by clicking here. This free Treasure Attic guide and songbook is designed to help parents and teachers use these videos to their fullest potential. The guide can be read online or downloaded by clicking the download PDF icon. (Right click the file icon and then selecting “save as…” or “save file as”…
By Bonnie Rochman, TIME, Feb. 18, 2013 If parents can’t limit their children’s TV time, then they can at least try to improve what youngsters are watching. That’s the if-you-can’t-beat-them-join-them approach that researchers in Seattle took in trying to address the issue of how much TV children, including toddlers, watch every day. Despite admonitions from experts and an emerging body of research that suggests children shouldn’t be watching more than two hours a day, the typical U.S. tot spends about four and a half hours parked in front of a television daily. Campaigns to reduce this screen time have clearly been only minimally successful. So by shifting the focus away from how much youngsters watch and concentrating instead on what they’re seeing, the researchers report in the journal Pediatrics on their success in helping parents to increase the time kids spent watching educational programming. The result? Better-behaved children. “There is no question kids watch too much television at all ages,” says Dimitri Christakis, lead author and director of the Center for Child Health, Behavior and Development at Seattle Children’s Research Institute. “Part of the message is not just about turning off the television but about changing the channel.” Kids are sponges who absorb their surroundings; it’s how they learn to develop the proper behaviors and responses to social situations. And they are not only parroting their parents and other family members, but mimicking behaviors they see on television or in movies as well. So Christakis, who has conducted extensive research on the effects of screen time on child development, explored ways to influence what shows children watch so that they’re more apt to imitate quality conduct. “We’ve known for decades that kids imitate what they see on TV,” he says. “They imitate good behaviors and they imitate bad behaviors.” In the study, he and his colleagues tracked 617 families with kids between the ages of three and five. Half of the families agreed to go on a media “diet” and swap programming with more aggressive and violent content for educational, pro-social shows that encourage sharing, kindness and respect, such as Dora the Explorer, which teaches how to resolve conflicts, and Sesame Street, which models tolerance for diversity. The other families did not change their children’s viewing choices. To help parents in the first group to choose appropriate shows, they received a program guide that highlighted prosocial content and learned how to block out violent programming. (The parents were so delighted with the guidance that many asked to continue receiving program guides even after the study ended.) They were also urged to watch alongside their kids. The researchers tracked what the children watched and also measured their behavior with standard tests of aggressiveness and sharing responses six months and a year into the study. At both testing periods, the children in the first group watched less aggressive programming than they did at the beginning of the study compared to children in the control group. Both groups of kids upped their screen time a bit, but the first group saw more quality programs while the control group spent even more time watching violent shows. Six months after the study began, the children who increased their pro-social viewing acted less aggressively and showed more sharing and respectful behaviors compared to the control group. They were more apt to compromise and cooperate than children who didn’t change their viewing content, and the effects persisted for the entire year that the study lasted. “There is a connection between what children watch, not just in terms of violence but in terms of improved behavior,” says Chistakis, who is also a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington. Who got the biggest boost in behavior? Low-income boys. “They derived the greatest benefit, which is interesting because they are most at risk of being victims and perpetrators of aggression,” he says. Photo courtesy of Victor.Correa/Flickr.com William J. Bennett, book excerpt Getting your child’s education off to a good start does not take extraordinary efforts or extravagant stimulation. You do not need a degree in child psychology. Raising a child does not require “trained caregivers” to supply expertise that parents lack. On the contrary, you are the most qualified person to teach and guide your young child, because he is a part of you and loves you. You should supply five basic ingredients in these years before school: your love, protection, and care; your time; a positive learning environment; an attitude that values learning; and strong moral training. Your Love, Protection, and Care All children come into the world fragile and helpless. In order to survive even a few hours, they need adults to supply food, shelter, warmth, and care. But meeting their physical needs is just the start. To develop well, from the very beginning children need a family. A deep commitment from at least one responsible, caring adult is crucial. (Obviously, having both a mother and a father in the home is the best arrangement.) Every child needs someone who gives uncompromising love and boundless devotion, someone whom that child can learn to love back. This is a basic fact of human growth and emotional development. Nothing is more crucial than giving your young child the feeling of being loved and cared for, and instilling a basic sense of trust that he can depend on you for nurture and protection. The emotional bond between parent and child has powerful effects on education. Preschoolers who feel loved are more likely to be confident, and confidence makes exploring a new world much easier. A strong, loving relationship increases youngsters’ eagerness to learn new things. For example, a child wants to learn how to read in part because he wants to please his parents, whom he sees reading and who encourage his own efforts to read. Children like to learn because they love their parents, and know their parents love them back! Forming a close bond with children is a natural part of the parenting process. Most moms and dads need no urging and little guidance here; these manifestations of love spring from the heart. The kinds of actions and gestures you instinctively want to offer your child are exactly the kinds he needs to gain a sense of nurture and protection. Holding and cuddling him from the day he is born, talking to him, playing with him, setting rules that are good for him, telling him over and over again that you love him—such actions and expressions have a profound impact on his development now, and on the kind of student he’ll be later. Children thrive when they have parents who are loving and dependable, when they know that, no matter what may happen in their lives, someone will look after them, keep them safe, and show them the limits of good behavior. When it comes to young children, loving and learning go hand in hand. Your Time The best way to show your love and help your child learn is to spend time with him. Shaping good attitudes and habits takes time. Setting good examples takes time. The encouragement your youngster craves—whether it’s for learning how to climb the stairs, how to read his first word, or how to write his name—requires your time and presence. You have to be available, perhaps more than you imagined. It has become popular in recent years to distinguish between “quality time” and “quantity time.” Some parents want to believe that they can spend fewer hours with their children so long as they put that shared time to good use. The fact is that children do not flourish on small, concentrated doses of attention from mothers and fathers. They need your frequent company if they are to learn from you. This may be a hard truth to accept in these modern days, but it is reality. For children, quality time is quantity time. When it comes to teaching and learning, there is no substitute for lots of time together—and children know it. In the eyes of your child, your presence in his life is proof that you are interested and that you care. It shows that he comes first—not your work, or your friends, or a ball game on TV. In his book The Hurried Child, Professor David Elkind tells this anecdote about a conversation he overheard when visiting his son’s nursery school class: Child A: “My daddy is a doctor and he makes a lot of money and we have a swimming pool.” Child B: “My daddy is a lawyer and he flies to Washington and talks to the President.” Child C: “My daddy owns a company and we have our own airplane.” My son (with aplomb, of course): “My daddy is here!” with a proud look in my direction. Keep in mind that one reason the preschool years are unique is that, in all likelihood, this is the period when your child wants your company more than he wants anyone else’s. He’s interested in what you have to say (most of the time, anyway). You’re his best pal. Later, he’ll often be elsewhere: in class, with his friends, or in his room, away from mom and dad. The preschool years offer the most opportunities to be together. Don’t neglect them. Chore Time Is Teaching Time If you’re like most parents, much time with your child is also chore time. Sure, you’d like nothing more than to spend most of the day reading aloud, taking trips to the zoo, and playing “educational” games that will help him grow. Unfortunately, you’ve also got to get an oil change, rake the backyard, take out the trash, and clean the spare bedroom before Uncle George comes to visit. The good news is that those pesky chores also have teaching value. With a little effort, you can turn many household routines into good learning opportunities for your child. He learns an enormous amount in your company if you simply talk to him as you work. Never mind feeling slightly foolish. Explain what you are doing. Tell him why you are doing it. He’ll pick up all sorts of vocabulary and absorb knowledge about what things are and how they work. Almost any household activity can become an informal lesson. Writing a grocery list can be a perfect chance to practice recognizing some letters. (“I’m writing the word butter. Do you remember what that first letter is?”) Cooking invariably involves weighing, measuring, counting, and grouping. (“I have to fill this cup until it is half full. Will you tell me when the milk gets to this line right here?”) Doing the laundry can be a sorting game. (“Why don’t you help me put all the socks in this pile, and the shirts in that pile?”) Sprinkle your routines with questions. Running errands in the car: “Who can count the green cars on the road? In the study: “How many books do I have on my desk?” Daily routines draw on a whole range of organizational and problem solving skills, the same skills your child will someday need to complete a school assignment or project at work. He can learn the value of planning ahead, and then executing the plan. He gradually comprehends that every large job is really a series of smaller tasks. He sees that work is a means to an end. When he helps, he learns about teamwork. Certain character lessons will seep in too. By watching you, he learns about sticking with a task until it’s finished. He sees how to perform a duty thoroughly and responsibly. If given the chance to make even small contributions, he begins to learn the satisfaction of a job well done. Above all, keep talking. The stimulation, the exchange of ideas, and the responses elicited will all serve to build up a host of skills, making chore time a teaching time, and making it more enjoyable for both of you. A Positive Learning Environment One of your fundamental jobs is to give your child some experiences that pique his curiosity and supply fundamental knowledge about the world. This does not mean bombarding him with glitzy, noisy stimuli all day long, going out and buying lots of fancy “educational” gear, or enrolling him in the most expensive preschool in town. It mostly entails making sure he has interesting things to do. Since the world is so novel to him, and he naturally wants to explore it, this is not a difficult task. In fact, for children this age, a “learning environment” often consists of everyday activities—playing with toys, watching a parent do chores, or running around the backyard. Expose your child to a widening range of experiences as he grows. A baby who has just learned to crawl is a little Marco Polo, anxious to explore all those mysterious corners of your living room and kitchen. Give him the freedom to investigate while you are nearby. (Make sure you’ve taken precautions to childproof your home!) As he grows, give him changes of scenery. Take him with you on errands to the bank or hardware store. Take a trip across the street to meet your neighbor’s new puppy. Find a hill for your toddler to run up and down. Just about any place you go, there will be something to stimulate his curiosity. As he grows through the preschool years, organize little “field trips” to check out less familiar bits of the world. Spend an afternoon at the science museum. Take him to the airport to see planes land and take off. Or into the country to get a pumpkin. Lie on your backs to watch the clouds on a summer afternoon. And, of course, read all sorts of books to him. Introduce your child to different people: extended family members, neighbors, and figures in the community. Point out the police officer, the fireman, the postman. Youngsters who know only their immediate family are less likely to thrive in the larger world and may be either too trusting or too nervous of others. Choosing Toys That Teach Toys are the “tools” of learning for kids in the pre-kindergarten years. Keep in mind, though, that rarely does the teaching value of a toy have a direct relation to how many batteries it uses or lights it flashes. A high price tag does not make it better for your child. Expensive toys that claim to teach tykes are often less “educational” than some pots and a big wooden spoon from the kitchen. Computer software is often little better for kids than sitting and watching TV. It certainly isn’t as helpful as spending time with a parent reading, counting, playing games, or taking a walk in the park. Often it’s the simple toys that do the best job putting little imaginations and muscles to work. For toddlers, the old standbys you played with in your childhood are still fine: balls, blocks, cups, pans, plastic rings, simple puzzles, a sand box. A well-stocked box of construction paper, crayons, washable markers, glue, buttons, felt, and safety scissors is a treasure chest for preschoolers. A big basket filled with grown-up clothes and costumes (dime store crowns, plastic armor, discarded necklaces) is a big draw for most children. There is no need to keep adding toy after toy to the mix. Most parents eventually learn that the more toys they buy, the more toys they see sitting untouched in the back of the closet. Children who possess several chests full of playthings often flit from one to another without really appreciating any of them. Ironically, too many toys can lead to boredom—or worse, to a spoiled and ungrateful child who constantly thinks he’s entitled to another present. An Attitude That Values Learning How do you teach that you value learning? First, and perhaps most important, by your good example. Your actions always speak volumes to your child. Your own reading, wondering out loud, pointing things out, and showing a general interest in the world are powerful signs of your attitude about learning. You also instill ideals about education with your excitement over your child’s discoveries and achievements. Enthusiasm is contagious with preschoolers. If he sees you responding warmly to his attempts to learn, he’ll take pleasure in them, too. Ask questions about what he’s doing, and answer any questions he has. Take part in his activities by introducing him to a new book or game, or helping him with something that’s giving him trouble. Even just playing with your child will be interpreted as a sign that you care about what he’s learning. Keep in mind that it is difficult for anyone else to take a parent’s place when a young child looks for reinforcement about learning. Chances are, no one else (except perhaps grandpa and grandma) will get as excited as you when your child takes his first step, or speaks his first word, or counts to ten for the first time. No one else is going to be able to muster quite as much interest in that misshapen piece of clay he says is an elephant. The more you are there to encourage his efforts, the more he’ll want to learn. Adult responses can mean everything. Imagine three children, each frequently receiving a particular message: Scene 1: Little Girl: “Daddy! Look what I found!” Dad: “What have you got there? That’s a beautiful leaf. Where did you find it?” Little Girl: “In the yard.” Dad: “Where do you think it came from?” Little Girl: “That tree.” Dad: “I bet it did. What does it feel like?” Little Girl: “Like paper.” Scene 2: Little Girl: “Daddy! Look what I found!” Dad: “We need to go, honey. Leave that here.” Little Girl: “It’s a red leaf.” Dad: “I told you to put it down. It might have bugs on it. Now come on, we don’t have time for that.” Little girl (dropping the leaf): “Yuck. Leaves have bugs on them.” Scene 3: Little Girl: “Look what I found!” Baby-sitter: “That’s nice.” Little Girl: “It’s a leaf.” Baby-sitter: “I see that. Why don’t you go play with your toys?” Little Girl: “I want to show Daddy my leaf.” Baby-sitter: “Daddy won’t be home until after you’ve gone to bed. You know that. You can show him on the weekend, OK?” It’s not difficult, is it, to tell which child’s curiosity is being encouraged, and which ones’ inquisitiveness is being dampened? Early Moral Training A child who is already learning about traits such as responsibility, self- discipline, and perseverance before he begins school has a good shot at doing well at his studies. Conversely, if he shows up in class with bad habits such as laziness and disrespect for elders, there is little that teachers can do. An education disaster is already in the works. This is not to say that your preschooler must always be an angel. All children test boundaries and stray from model behavior. In the end, however, despite some who will tell you that peers or the popular culture have more influence than nurturing parents on how a child acts, the buck stops squarely with you. You are responsible for the way your young child behaves. You teach your child good character in several ways. You do it by your good example. Little eyes are watching. As you do, so will your child do. You teach virtue through high expectations and clear, consistent rules. You also form character in children by talking to them about good and bad behavior. There is much unwarranted cynicism and embarrassment today about “moralizing.” Little children need to be told about right and wrong, and when adults stand silent, then we shouldn’t be surprised if young people grow up with muddled notions of how to conduct themselves. Parents can talk about good character in the context of everyday actions, as well as in stories they read to children. They can talk about it in the context of their faith—which for most of us serves as the bedrock of morality. Teachers say that many moms and dads are falling down on the job of character training. They are not sending to school children who are well behaved, ready to work hard, and respectful of adults. Says a Texas teacher, “Some kids come to class with an attitude that they don’t have to listen to you, that just because you’re an adult, you don’t have the right to tell them what to do. They think they’re in charge, because they don’t have that structure at home.” Frequent among educators, these exceedingly sad commentaries explain much that is wrong with our schools. Reference: The Educated Child - A Parents Guide from Preschool through Eighth Grade. Free Press (1999)
By Joyce Suttin
I was eight years old and learning diligence through the few chores I had been given. Growing up on a sheep farm near Pleasant Hill, in upstate New York, there were always lots of responsibilities to be divided between us four children. Being the youngest, I had been used to getting what I wanted—the easiest jobs—but my oldest brother and sister were busier off the farm these days, so more responsibility fell on me. I felt very grown up whenever Dad asked me to do something new. I wanted to show how responsible I was. It had been an especially cold spring, and lambing began in the middle of a fierce snowstorm. Dad gathered the newborns and brought the frailest ones into the kitchen, where they slept in cardboard boxes around the coal stove. Huddled in the hay, they survived their first nights. Dad would awaken early to feed them their mother’s milk from baby bottles. I eagerly helped during the first days. I loved the feel of the lambs’ first charcoal gray wool, soft and warm. I loved their little bleats and the way they eagerly sucked on the bottle in my hand. I loved feeling grown up and helpful. Dad was pleased. He was learning to trust me to help, to feed the lambs without being reminded. He saw my willingness to learn and took it as a sign that I was growing out of early childhood. I was becoming a big kid instead of the baby of the family. As the lambs got stronger and the weather became a bit milder, Dad returned them one by one to the barn to stay with their mothers. They were all doing well—all except one. This lamb’s mother had died in the storm, and Dad needed to find a foster mother for her. But first, the lamb needed to be strengthened. Her weak and wobbly legs barely supported her. When he would lift her to a standing position, she would flop back down on the hay. She needed more time in the house and more bottle-feeding before she would be ready to handle the colder temperatures in the barn or be accepted by another mother. Dad left for work at 6 am, having left instructions for me to feed the lamb before I left for school, but I had stayed up reading the night before and barely had time to pull on my clothes and run out to catch the school bus. It was around ten o’clock math class when I remembered the lamb. After school I ran home from the bus stop to find Dad sweeping around the coal stove. He looked up and asked, “Joyce, did you remember to feed the lamb this morning?” I hesitated before answering, hung my head, and answered, “No, Daddy. I’m sorry. I forgot.” “Well, honey,” he said softly, “I am sorry too, but the lamb died.” Tears welled up as I said again, “Daddy, I am so sorry!” He gently took my shoulders in his hands. “This lamb is gone, and sorry won’t bring it back. There will be other lambs, other chances to get it right, but you know, sorry doesn’t always fix it. When we neglect a responsibility, when we forget to do something important, sometimes we only have one chance. We can be sorry, but sorry won’t bring the lamb back.” It was a hard lesson for an eight-year-old, and I’ve never forgotten the feeling. It taught me to watch out for things in life that sorry can’t fix, especially things that will have an impact on others’ happiness and well-being. A harsh, unloving word can never be pushed back into my mouth. A selfish, thoughtless moment can never be lived differently. A kind word that should have been said can be said later, but not in that perfect moment when it would have done the most good. We can only live today once, and we only have one chance to get it right. We’ll never be perfect, but if we continually remind ourselves of our responsibility to others and try to do the loving thing at every opportunity, we’ll have fewer times when “sorry doesn’t fix it.” © The Family International. Used with permission. By Jane Lampman, The Christian Science Monitor, Januray 28, 1999 Little Earl and his mom and dad were having a terrible time. Diagnosed as hyperactive and defiant at school and at home, the redheaded seven-year-old with a sprinkle of freckles couldn’t seem to control his anger. One tumultuous week it got so bad he was hospitalized for the weekend. Six months later, Earl was much happier: He had found a new way to deal with his feelings, his parents’ relationship with each other had improved, and he no longer needed the Ritalin or Prozac he was being given for hyperactivity. He began to do well in school. Both he and his parents had found a third way to deal with their anger. Rather than denying or venting it, they had learned how to forgive. And their answer is one that is being explored much more widely today. Forgiveness has remarkable healing power in the lives of those who utilize it, says Richard Fitzgibbons, the Philadelphia psychiatrist who worked with Earl and is one of the pioneers in introducing forgiveness into the mental health field. Forgiveness is a hot topic now in many areas, from academic research to marital and family counseling to politics and community life. “Forgiveness is now being rediscovered as a creative human faculty for overcoming estrangement, says Lewis Smedes, professor emeritus of theology and ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif., in Dimensions of Forgiveness(Templeton Foundation Press, 1998). Forgiveness is more than a moral imperative, more than a theological dictum. It is the only means, given our humanness and imperfections, to overcome hate and condemnation and proceed with the business of growing and loving, says Paul Coleman, a psychologist in Wappinger Falls, N.Y. Forgiveness has a spiritual component, Dr. Coleman says, a grace from God, if you will, and spirituality has only become a little more accepted in the mental health field in the last decade. Dr. Worthington, author of To Forgive Is Human, says the key ingredient is empathy. The degree to which a person can empathize is related strongly to the degree they can forgive. Given what is happening in the world, he adds, forgiveness has the potential to be enormously influential in the 21st century. Research will also soon show, he says, that it will be very healthy not just to forgive an event or a person but to have a forgiving character. Forgiveness: Free Stories and Videos for Children Stories:
Videos: Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It’s not easy raising children in today’s world. Many of the godly values that you want to encourage in your children are constantly being attacked by others who are going the opposite direction. You worry that even your best efforts will fail and that your children will turn their backs on the values you hold dear. I know you’re sometimes tempted to give up, but don’t. Your concern and care are not in vain. There’s only so much that you can do, even though you try your best. But I’m capable of doing much more than you ever could, and I am here to help. I also understand your children even better than you do, and I know how to best handle their problems. I want to work with you to shape your children into the godly people we both want them to become. Commit your children to Me in prayer. Through prayer you can be the better parent you want to be. Through prayer you can help protect your children from harm and unwholesome influences. Through prayer you can find My solutions to their problems. Through your prayers I can do what you can’t do. Set aside time each day to pray for your children. Each time you’re faced with a troublesome issue, ask Me for the answer. Start today to be a better parent through prayer. Changes that you haven’t thought possible will come to pass through the power of prayer. Excerpt from the book "From Jesus with Love - For Troubled Times", © Aurora Productions. Photo copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos
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